Since You're Bailing the Financial Industry, Can You Bail Me Out Too?

Dear American Government,

I heard that you're going to help several financial companies dig themselves out of this mess that they've created for themselves. While you're at it, can you help me out too? I think I need some bailing out. Here's what I need:

$80,000 (give or take) for my Louis Vuitton education. It's not fair that kids whose parents have money finish college without any debt, while I'm chained for the rest of my life, is it?

$25,000 for my dental bills. That kid in DC died because you wouldn't pay for his dental treatment. You don't want me dying too, do you?

$200 for my ER co-pay. Sorry, can't afford that either.

$Unspecified amount for my credit card bills. How else was I supposed to live when I was unemployed? Mommy and daddy don't make enough to pay for my adulthood as well.

Since you're giving all those big compaies $700 Billion US, what difference is a little over $100,000 US going to make? Thank you! I really appreciate your concern and generosity.

XOXO,

Ann Binlot